Why "Bouncing Back" Is the Wrong Way to Think About Resilience
Throw a ball against a wall and it bounces back to you. Same ball. Nothing about it has changed. That's the picture most of us carry when someone tells us to bounce back.
So what is resilience at work, really? Resilience is the ability to move through difficult, challenging situations, struggles, and setbacks. Not around them, and not back to where you started. You come out the other side as someone different, and that difference is the whole point.
On July 28, 1992, 8,000 volts of electricity rushed down a metal ladder and went into me and my friend Bruce. We both died. Only I came back to life, after about six minutes.
There was no bouncing back from that. Here's what I believe instead, and what it means for leaders whose teams are going through something hard.
What Does Resilience Mean? Moving Through, Not Back
When you move through a difficult time, you don't get back to where you were. You go beyond it. And where you were is the reason you needed to be resilient in the first place.
The dictionary says resilient means able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions. I'd challenge the word quickly. The residue from my accident hung around for more than 20 years.
The most resilient person I've ever known was my late brother-in-law, Bobby. He had ALS and fought it for years, some of them before it was even diagnosed. There were moments he slid back, but he stayed positive and stayed in the fight.
ALS ultimately took his life, and it was not for a lack of resilience on his part. He kept moving through it. That's what resilience is.
Why I Couldn't Bounce Back: The Valley of the Victim
After ten days in a trauma unit, I went home with anger, guilt, fear, despair, and regret. One question kept showing up: why did I make it and Bruce didn't? He was 36, with three kids. (Here's the full story of the day I died.)
I moved into what I call the Valley of the Victim. The walls are steep and the mud is deep. There's no traction, no accountability, and a lot of blame. I lost my faith, I wasn't letting my family help me, and I was drinking way too much.
When the despair and the darkness got to be too much, I drove to Kill Devil Hills on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. It was October, and the town was shut down for the season.
Walking back to my motel one day, I stopped at a phone booth and called my mom. She said, "Danny, when are you coming home? We can't wait to see you."
When I walked out of that phone booth, something shifted. Yes, Bruce is gone, and it hurts. And Danny, you're still here.
Getting better did not happen in a week or two. I fought it for some time. It wasn't until I surrendered and said, this sucks and I don't want to stay here, that I could embrace the struggle. That's when you come through the other side, and you're not the same person.
People ask if I wish it never happened. I wish Bruce didn't die. But the pain forced me to grow in a way I would not have otherwise.
Evolve: The Fifth Principle of the Back to Life Blueprint
The Back to Life Blueprint is the five principles I uncovered in the years after the accident: Develop Vision, Know Yourself, Seek Support, Be Still, and Evolve. The fifth one is my answer to bouncing back.
To evolve is to undergo continuous, gradual change and growth. You don't go through difficult times. You grow through them. That growth can show up in four places:
Mentally, in how you think.
Physically, by caring for your body so you have the energy to keep moving.
In your relationships, because you learn to ask for help.
Spiritually, in your faith and your spirit.
People ask me how to evolve. Keep practicing the other four principles, completely and consistently, and you can't help but grow. It's not the strongest or the smartest people who make it through. It's the people committed to their growth, who embrace change and embrace struggle.
That's why "I'm strong, I can get through anything" is a shortcoming. It discounts the process of going through it, and the process is what makes you grow.
What Resilience at Work Looks Like for Leaders
When I go into organizations for a resilience keynote, people often expect a quick fix. The setbacks are real. You lose a client relationship. In pharmaceuticals, a drug comes off patent.
I do a lot of work with Marriott, Ritz-Carlton, Hyatt, and Gaylord. In hospitality, a group of a thousand people can pull out two or three months before an event, taking millions in revenue with it.
The trap I see is leaders focusing only on the numbers or the guest satisfaction score. Focus instead on who your people are becoming and how they're growing through the challenge. As you build their growth, the numbers and everything else take care of themselves.
I ask teams to remember four things:
You can't do it alone. Healing happens in connection, not isolation.
It's going to take some time. Impatience and frustration are not good forces to move you forward.
Take care of yourself throughout. You need your energy to move through it.
You're not bouncing back to who you were. You're evolving into a stronger version of yourself.
To see where your team stands, start with my resilience framework for teams.
Frequently Asked Questions
What does resilience actually mean?
Resilience is the ability to move through difficult, challenging situations, struggles, and setbacks. It isn't about getting back to where you were. You come out the other side as a different, stronger person.
What's wrong with "bouncing back" as a model?
A ball that bounces off a wall comes back exactly the same. People don't. Bouncing back aims you at the place you were before the setback, and that place is usually the reason you needed resilience in the first place.
How can leaders build resilience in their teams?
Don't only focus on getting the numbers back up. Focus on who your people are becoming as they grow through the challenge. Remind them they can't do it alone, it will take time, and they need to take care of themselves to keep their energy up.
You Don't Bounce Back. You Evolve.
You're never getting back to the person you were before the hard thing. You're becoming someone stronger because of it. Bobby showed me that. So did a phone booth on the Outer Banks. It's why Evolve is the principle the rest of the Back to Life Blueprint leads to.
Bring the Evolve Conversation to Your Next Conference
I bring this message to hospitality leaders, pharmaceutical teams, and corporate conferences. If you're looking for a resilience speaker for a team trying to get back to the way things were, this keynote gives them a better target: who they're becoming on the other side.
